I Finally Disarmed My Self-Destruct Button
I have this tendency to want to just cancel things if I don’t see a way for them to work and they aren’t necessary in my life. This often ends up being things like my birthday parties or trips I want to take with friends or finding places to go.
When I can’t find the who or why or what, sometimes I just go into a spiral of ‘lets just not.’ Now I’m fully aware that you can’t just quit things and I always followed through with what I ultimately wanted (like having the party or going on the trip), but I’d have to go through a circus routine in my head before I did.
Today, as I write this blog, I’m proud to say I finally stopped myself right before falling down this rabbit hole. I was one second away from just suggesting not going on a Spring break trip this year because my friends and I could figure out the who or where. At that point, it felt like everyone already had plans or some actual event to go to and my roommate and I were stuck in a limbo of desire and reality.
Instead of my usual, ‘lets just not,” however, I just stopped myself and said, I want it and I’ll just figure out a solution in a bit. I’m going to let my brain rest rather than jump through mindless hurdles and then decide a plan later.
And let me tell you: IT FELT GOOD.
There was no self-pity. There was no ‘everything sucks’ and ‘the world makes my life harder’ attitude to sift through. There was no ‘I feel lonely’ or ‘why does everyone else have plans?’ I used to be very conscious of the fact that these thoughts were irrational and just not true, but I still went through them all every time.
Today, I just chose to not, and that choice is something I really think I had to learn and grow towards because in the past my mind runs past it forgetting it’s an option, but I feel proud to say that instead of running past it, I finally ran into it. And that’s what it felt like too! I didn’t have a whirlwind in my head. I just had a stop in my thoughts and a nice moment of silence.
A break from the stress and the attitude that I’ll come back to it like a hard math problem that becomes easier the next time you look at it. It took a while, but I finally disarmed my self-destruct button.
Let me know how it felt for you when you finally disarmed your self-destruct button below in the comments. What helped you?
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